Monday, February 19, 2018

A Hard Day

In early June of last year, my husband and I drove to New York. Our plans were to finally meet my best internet friend and visit Niagara Falls. My friend and I had spoken for over ten years, but had never met in person so it was a very exciting trip.

By this point, my husband and I had been trying for a few months to get pregnant. During our trip was when I would have been able to have a possible positive pregnancy test. We left our home on Thursday morning. When I woke up that day, I took a pregnancy test and it didn't look positive at all. I packed a few tests in my suitcase and we headed out. The following morning, at a hotel about 3/4 of the way to my friend's house, I took a second test. I thought I saw the faintest of faint lines, but brushed it off. When my husband woke up a little bit later, I dug it out of the trash to show him and he thought he saw a line too. I was using generic tests which I didn't have confidence in...

Friday we arrived at my friend's house. We had a very low-key evening with a lot of relaxing, food, and good conversation. Apparently the food we ate didn't agree with me because I was up at 4:00 AM with some stomach distress. I decided I wasn't going to waste that first morning urine so I grabbed another cheap test along with a more expensive test. I had brought the more expensive test to take if I saw a positive on the cheap test. I took the cheap test first and it looked very similar to the test from the previous day... possibly very faintly positive. I decided to just take the more expensive test because, by this time, I was several days late for my period and was frustrated with the cheap tests. Within a minute, I saw the positive (pictured here) and was immediately so happy. I finished in the bathroom, snapped the picture, and headed back to the room we were staying. When I climbed into bed, I had a huge grin on my face. My husband sensed me getting back into bed and asked if I tested. I said I did. He then asked if it was positive and I said yes.

I had my first obstetrics appointment around nine weeks gestation. I was disappointed when all they did was several tests (blood, urine, glucose) and didn't do a doppler or ultrasound. I never heard back from them so I assumed everything was just fine. My first ultrasound was scheduled around thirteen weeks. As soon as the tech started with the ultrasound, she saw two heads and informed us we were having twins. We were in shock! Due to the fact they were already so big, she could not tell if they shared a gestational sac though she could tell they shared a placenta so she thought they were identical.

Since we were having twins, we had to go to a maternal-fetal medicine (MFM) doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies. Multiples are automatically high risk. We went to this appointment between fifteen and sixteen weeks gestation. At that appointment, the babies were super active and everything looked perfect. We learned they were monochorionic/diamniotic twins which meant they shared one placenta, but had two amniotic sacs. This confirmed they were identical twins. We didn't think to ask if the ultrasound tech could tell a gender so we didn't ask.

Baby Adam at 15w4d gestation.

Baby Eli at 15w4d gestation.
We had an appointment about ten days later with our regular OB's office. This was just a check up. Because they shared a placenta, we were supposed to have an ultrasound every two weeks. This was a normal check up. We went into the appointment hoping to learn the gender of the babies - which would have been the same due to them being identical. Instead, at seventeen weeks and one day gestation, we learned their little hearts had stopped beating. 

We were taken to the hospital where the lack of fetal heart tones was confirmed. I was induced later that evening. The next afternoon, on September 13, 2017, I delivered our two baby boys who were never allowed to take their first breaths. They were born sleeping and joined their loved ones in Heaven.

It's been a long five months since we lost them and I miss them all the time. Today is especially hard as today is their due date. I am incredibly thankful to be carrying their little brother, but am so sad they are no longer with us. So, if you're a religious person, please say a prayer for our sweet babies, Adam and Eli, who should have been born into this world today, but instead are in the arms of God.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Blogging Hiatus

About two years ago, I tried to start up my blog again. I didn't dedicate the time I needed to in order to make it successful so I just stopped writing and let it go to the wayside. I decided to start fresh with a new look and a new blog (with the same name). I'm hoping to be able to dedicate more time to create a great blog because I love writing. Writing is one of my passions and I would love to be able to spend more time on getting my thoughts out and making them permanent. It's so much fun to go back through blog posts written years ago and see how things have changed, how you've evolved as a person, and all the events life has thrown at you over the years. Cementing my life in the form of a blog has been something I've striven for since I was a teen. I blog on a more private site at least weekly, but I want something where it's more public and my family and friends can participate.

As I stated before, I didn't dedicate the time I needed to make my blog thrive. I believe the last time I actually wrote in this blog, I was a newlywed. I have now been married for just over 15 months. In that time, my husband and I have: Sold a home. Bought a new home. Moved to a new town. Traveled somewhere I hadn't been and met a long-time internet friend I had never seen. Discovered we were pregnant. Learned we were having identical twins. Lost the twins. Discovered we were pregnant again. Both gotten new jobs. And recently learned we are having a little boy.

Life is busy and complicated, but I'm learning I have to spend time to do the things I love and writing is one of them. I have big hopes for this blog. I don't really know how it will evolve or what it will turn into, but I plan on putting much more time into my writing in general.