Friday, September 14, 2018

One Year Angelversary

My husband and I began our journey to grow our family in March of 2017. It didn't take long for us to become pregnant as we had a positive test on June 10th. We were incredibly excited. At our thirteen week ultrasound, we were so surprised to learn we were expecting twins! Two weeks later at the maternal fetal medicine doctor, we discovered our twins were identical and monochorionic/diamniotic (one placenta, two amniotic sacs). At seventeen weeks, we went to a routine sonogram excited to see our twins again. Instead of learning their gender, we were told their little hearts stopped beating. We were sent to the hospital where I was induced and gave birth to our sleeping angels on September 13, 2017.

Wednesday was the one year anniversary of learning our twins no longer had heartbeats. The last two days have been difficult for my husband and me. While we love our son and wouldn't trade him for anything in this world, it doesn't diminish the grief we feel in the loss of his brothers one year ago.

When the twins were born, we decided we did not want to have a service for them. We did not want to bury them or have them cremated. This is a decision I semi-regret as it would be amazing to have a place to go to remember them. I know my father was sad we did not have a marker for them anywhere because he wanted somewhere to go to visit them. Last year on October 15th (which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day), our family attended a memorial service  and walked through the Shining Light Infant Memorial Garden at the hospital where the twins were delivered.

My husband was off work due to being on bereavement leave for the death of my grandmother. We decided we would honor the twins that day by visiting the memorial garden again.

The garden has pavers which are engraved with memorials of pregnancy or infant loss babies. In the center of the garden is a statue called Mourning Rachel:

Mourning Rachel is there to comfort the parents who have losses. She lets the parents know their babies are never alone. Mourning Rachel is based on a verse from the Bible - Jeremiah 31:15.
This is what the LORD says: "A cry is heard in Ramah--deep anguish and bitter weeping. Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be comforted--for her children are gone." (NLT)

While we were there, I told my husband I would like to purchase a paver for the twins in the memorial garden. He said he was thinking the same thing. Due to being on a budget, we talked about saving up for the cost of the paver. I mentioned this to my mother who talked to my father. They decided they wanted to pay for the cost of the paver for us. This is a huge gift and blessing! My husband and I are so thankful to have such generous parents.

While the last few days have been hard, they've also been very cathartic. We have come a long way in the last year. We are well on our way in the healing process. We will have somewhere we can go to visit our sweet boys who were taken too soon.

I know in my heart the twins are watching over their little brother. There are times when the baby will stare up at a spot on the ceiling, smiling and cooing. I always ask him if his brothers are up there and he grins really big. It warms my heart...

Happy Angelversary, Adam and Eli! You are forever loved and forever missed.

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